It was not supposed to happen, but then it happened, over the years the millions of justifications I built to validate its existence in my life have all crumbled bit by bit. I am still vacillating between sheer disgust of succumbing and a faint thrill of that evening.
I know he would never tell any one, I am 100% sure he won’t. He may have got me to do it, but he is a gentleman the rare of the rarest variety. We do meet even now and despite me searching in his eyes of any sign of betrayal, his eyes have always been friendly and never ever even shown any trace of that evening. My secret was safe with him. He was not the one I needed to worry about. But even if he ever sneaked to any one, it would come back to me. It always does. Secrets have a way of leaking and finding the way to the people who own them.
God knows what came to me that evening. How could I do it? Just one tiny choice of letting go and the person with only God to fear looked at every one with a little bit of apprehension. Involuntarily I took a bit longer to see if any words, gestures or even breaths had any other meaning other than what they meant to every one else. I was guarded in my words, my smiles and even my frowns. The single omnipresent question was “Does s/he know?”
Amazing how just one evening can change a life for ever.
I was married then. People were surprised at my choice. He was known to be the hermit. No smoking, no drinking, no non vegetarian, you get then point. I took an instant liking to him due to his sweet nature and the respect he gave me. One thing led to another and before I knew I was hopelessly in love with him. When we married he never laid a single restriction on me, but out of my sheer love for him, I gave up non vegetarian. We were a picture post card family, with a cute adorable daughter. For 10 years I did not stray, then this blasted evening happened. If he ever found out, it would shatter him. After that evening, I started bed time prayers, closed my eyes and just prayed, “let the whole world know, but not him”. I thanked for another day to have passed of him not finding out.
I kept on telling my self I was giving that evening too much of importance, and it was nothing. This was the 21st century. Some of my friends do it and some are quite open about it. The justification always gifted me the shrill excitement , with each and every moment of that evening coming out in its fullest colour. The fluttering orange yellow curtains, the glint of light reflecting from the polished furniture. The music tingling my senses as I let my limbs go loose and relaxed my muscles. The bright contrast cushions soon turned blur. His laughter was first mocking and then it was teasing, I was enjoying the submission. The heady mix of an escapade and doing something absolutely immoral was the biggest high of my life. His eyes were encouraging or was it the eyes of a conquest.
How could I do it? I could have said NO! Why the fuck was I so weak. My relentless bludgeoning of me made me get up and run to the wash room to splash water on my face and rinse my mouth. Miraculously the water always managed to wash my sins away.
I lived this hell, all because I slipped that one evening.
Today was his birthday, we had been invited over for dinner along with another couple. The drawing room was filled with laughter and I sipped my fruit juice as did my husband. His wife walked in and thrust a bottle in his hand. Open it darling. He expertly peeled off the seal and put in the cork screw and popped the cork out. His wife got 6 glasses and put them on the table and looked at me.
It is about time, you saints started. My husband gave a laugh and said, well excuse me, I am already high on tomato juice. You can ask her.
His wife was at her playful best.
Come one darling, there is always a first time. Just a little wine. I am sure you can give it a first try.
I hid my face behind the glass and looked at him pouring the wine into four glasses; he looked his wife and said; I guess there won’t ever be a first time, for either of them. He lifted a glass and stretched to offer it to the other couple, without even looking at me or my husband.
I shut the images from my head, as I saw the other glasses being passed around. Turned to look at my husband, who was comfortable chatting with the other couple. I looked back at him, searching his eyes. His eyes met mine and in that fraction of a second he conveyed; Don’t worry, no one will ever know about that one single glass that evening.
I sat back and sipped my juice; hopefully I won’t have to rinse my mouth today.
I know he would never tell any one, I am 100% sure he won’t. He may have got me to do it, but he is a gentleman the rare of the rarest variety. We do meet even now and despite me searching in his eyes of any sign of betrayal, his eyes have always been friendly and never ever even shown any trace of that evening. My secret was safe with him. He was not the one I needed to worry about. But even if he ever sneaked to any one, it would come back to me. It always does. Secrets have a way of leaking and finding the way to the people who own them.
God knows what came to me that evening. How could I do it? Just one tiny choice of letting go and the person with only God to fear looked at every one with a little bit of apprehension. Involuntarily I took a bit longer to see if any words, gestures or even breaths had any other meaning other than what they meant to every one else. I was guarded in my words, my smiles and even my frowns. The single omnipresent question was “Does s/he know?”
Amazing how just one evening can change a life for ever.
I was married then. People were surprised at my choice. He was known to be the hermit. No smoking, no drinking, no non vegetarian, you get then point. I took an instant liking to him due to his sweet nature and the respect he gave me. One thing led to another and before I knew I was hopelessly in love with him. When we married he never laid a single restriction on me, but out of my sheer love for him, I gave up non vegetarian. We were a picture post card family, with a cute adorable daughter. For 10 years I did not stray, then this blasted evening happened. If he ever found out, it would shatter him. After that evening, I started bed time prayers, closed my eyes and just prayed, “let the whole world know, but not him”. I thanked for another day to have passed of him not finding out.
I kept on telling my self I was giving that evening too much of importance, and it was nothing. This was the 21st century. Some of my friends do it and some are quite open about it. The justification always gifted me the shrill excitement , with each and every moment of that evening coming out in its fullest colour. The fluttering orange yellow curtains, the glint of light reflecting from the polished furniture. The music tingling my senses as I let my limbs go loose and relaxed my muscles. The bright contrast cushions soon turned blur. His laughter was first mocking and then it was teasing, I was enjoying the submission. The heady mix of an escapade and doing something absolutely immoral was the biggest high of my life. His eyes were encouraging or was it the eyes of a conquest.
How could I do it? I could have said NO! Why the fuck was I so weak. My relentless bludgeoning of me made me get up and run to the wash room to splash water on my face and rinse my mouth. Miraculously the water always managed to wash my sins away.
I lived this hell, all because I slipped that one evening.
Today was his birthday, we had been invited over for dinner along with another couple. The drawing room was filled with laughter and I sipped my fruit juice as did my husband. His wife walked in and thrust a bottle in his hand. Open it darling. He expertly peeled off the seal and put in the cork screw and popped the cork out. His wife got 6 glasses and put them on the table and looked at me.
It is about time, you saints started. My husband gave a laugh and said, well excuse me, I am already high on tomato juice. You can ask her.
His wife was at her playful best.
Come one darling, there is always a first time. Just a little wine. I am sure you can give it a first try.
I hid my face behind the glass and looked at him pouring the wine into four glasses; he looked his wife and said; I guess there won’t ever be a first time, for either of them. He lifted a glass and stretched to offer it to the other couple, without even looking at me or my husband.
I shut the images from my head, as I saw the other glasses being passed around. Turned to look at my husband, who was comfortable chatting with the other couple. I looked back at him, searching his eyes. His eyes met mine and in that fraction of a second he conveyed; Don’t worry, no one will ever know about that one single glass that evening.
I sat back and sipped my juice; hopefully I won’t have to rinse my mouth today.
Seen the sin. Will be back to read and comment.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed reading.Glad you gave in to the serious pressures-or submission,should I say ? :). All the best. Look forward to more.Cheers!
ReplyDelete